My favourite George Carlin quotes

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  • I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
  • Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
  • A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
  • Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
  • Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
  • When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
  • If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
  • The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.â€?
  • The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  • Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.â€?
  • If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
  • The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
  • Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
  • Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practiceâ€??
  • Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
  • So I say, “Live and let live.â€? That’s my motto. “Live and let live.â€? Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
  • One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
  • Property is theft. Nobody “ownsâ€? anything. When you die, it all stays here.
  • The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,â€? “Thou shalt not commit adultery,â€? and “Thou shalt not lieâ€? in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
  • Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
  • The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  • “No commentâ€? is a comment.
  • If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
  • You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
  • Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
  • The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
  • I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
  • If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
  • Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
  • I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
  • Life is a zero sum game.
  • Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
2009.08.20